waitingfornow

eddie izzard is performing in scottsdale on august 17th! my 21st birthday! that's exciting

i started a new job today. i am a BA, a beauty advisor. that's right. pretty fucking sweet. my managers name is rosalie and she reminds me of my grandma.

i stopped going to the gym cuz i put air in my bike tires so i just ride to work and back and get all sweaty. yes

so i move back into the dorms sometime during the first week of august and say goodbye to my current love who is moving to florida. maybe i'll see him on christmas. maybe not. should be fun.

this apartment is so ghetto cool. someday i'm gonna look back and miss the stupid cowboy painting above my dresser. and the grasshopper infestation. and the port-a-shower. and the way the whole house slants southward, and the strip club music from next door and the two ryans that work at the guitar shop, and the couple next door's fights, and the weeds around the perimeter of the house that joe (with the 6-foot bike) trims before every first friday. i wanted to make a list of everything so that i wouldn't forget. i want to remember.

it's 7:42, the automatic light just came on. we went to target and installed it after the bum incident.

i'm reading a really intense book right now by tom robbins called another roadside attraction.

i'm thinking of dying my hair since i can get it done for frizzle. suggestions welome.

welcome by coltrane sounds like happy birthday

i really need a job

maybe if i wasn't so selfish i wouldn't be so miserable.
i attemt to write something on here and i always manage to sound depressed.
my life is not that bad, so why do i like to portray it as such?
i'm dissatisfied with my life because i have brought myself to a point where i have little to no people to share it with.

one is the loneliest number

fucking passport

i don't feel like this latin phrase around my thumb has any meaning without you.
i'm sitting in the exact spot you spent so much of your time, but probably will never sit again. and i just wish that you would walk through that door, like i did 2 years ago. relationships are so funny in the way that they overlap and interrupt. the way they circle and end. you have changed my life. while i'm in flagstaff and you are not, i am reminded of how much magic there was in us. and even though you are only a phone call away, i won't call you. i don't know what to say..living through memory is more exciting than my present life.

Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over,
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

when the moon rises,
the sea covers the earth,
and the heart feels like
an island in infinity.

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.

and somehow, things are better. i'm not miserable. in fact, i may be happy. how odd.

this past semester was the worst i have ever done in school. i think my term gpa was ~1.4. trying to think of reasons why i may have done so poorly, but i can't remember.. i think it had something to do with the vegas trip that i went on with the wind symphony right before spring break. breaks are really bad for me because after they are over, i hate everything. just like this summer: after i came back from getting my scuba certification in mexico, i quit my job. i couldn't handle going back to the same shit. and now, just like last summer break, i want to change my major. i don't want to go back. i don't want to disappoint myself and everyone else again. at one of my last lessons, doctor hemphill gave me the "you're not living up to your potential" speech. and he was so right. i'm not sure how i need to do it exactly, but i need to commit to something and be fucking selfish about it. i need to make my success a priority. it's so obvious. i think part of my downfall is my emotions. i get so wrapped up in them like i'm a fish in a tiny bowl; everything is magnified, and there's nowhere to swim away to

it's snowing outside..well this you know. my redundant bullshit introduces more redundant bullshit. it's like reading a letter sent in the mail..either you receive money or outdated updates from someone you never see. well thanks for the thought.
"what is your favorite form of communication?" how about not..i mean i'm horrible at communicating. it all comes out wrong..and i suppose i am the most closed person to have ever existed. how did i ever end up this way? my childhood memories consist of living with my grandpa in phoenix. enduring hot summers and cold winters. he was too cheap to pay for heating or air conditioning..too cheap for most things, even genuine conversation. but maybe that's who he genuinely is. he only thinks about money and...that's it. oh and maybe the bullshit weather. so, i spent my childhood in his house surrounded by cats. i'm suprised i didn't turn into a cat honestly. they were everywhere and their smell was so strong.
no, i turned into my mom basically. she's so angry, yet holy. i don't think i understand it. she's wasting away to nothing.. she writes me an e-mail this mourning. and in every line you can tell how lonely she is. she concludes the letter by telling me, " You are an amazing young woman."
i'm an amazingly selfish bitch.

everything in its right place

dejected, depressed, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, dispirited, down-hearted, downcast, desolate

passion-less

What would it be like if you lived each day, each breath, as a work of art in progress? Imagine that you are a Masterpiece unfolding, every second of every day, a work of art taking form with every breath.

i went to the golden budda the other day and when i opened my fortune cookie, it was empty.
ok, that could mean that i make my own fortune...
or it could mean that i'm fucking screwed.
i think it's the latter.

there's something about the conclusion of movies that i love. the music and the credits come in...and there is closure. it's that sort of "sigh" feeling. and then of course life is-alive for those few minutes. maybe your feelings are of happiness or sadness or fear..But, there is Emotion. and then the comparisons to your life start. and regrets; and dreams. and perhaps hopes.

hopes. like a dream, but less wonderful. you know, you hope you'll pass music history. but your dreams are so much bigger. they are your ideal/ the perfect...

i hope that the relationship i'm in will straighten up and fly right. (as for dreams...) cuz, honestly, i'm feeling pretty empty and i can't stop crying right now.



this is my life
i'm not who i want to be

I like wearing
Lots of watches
For two reasons.
First,
If they are all set
A little different,
No one's ever
Too late, or
Too early, or
Right on time.
They just "are."
Second,
With all these
Watches on me,
It's like having
"All the time
In the world!"
And never having
To think about
The end of time,
Or about dying